"I can think of no example of the Divine speaking more clearly or decisively than that."
I like to think of myself as a positive person. I like to think that I've outgrown my old negative-Nelly-downward-spiral thinking, but today, as tears slid down my cheeks, I suddenly wasn't so sure about anything at all. Scrolling through my Facebook news-feed seeing picture, after prayer, after posting—the good, the bad and the graphic—one status caught my eye. It was written by Tosha Silver author of Outrageous Openness. It said:
"A central delusion of the 'New Age' relentless pursuit of wishes, dreams and desires is the idea that ALL of them are useful or even karmically right. That's why I like to focus on Divine Order instead and say, 'If this desire is Your own, then please show me the way! And reveal the steps as You wish...and if it is NOT then please free me from this longing completely. I am Your very Own.' Then the steps get shown at the right time and it's not to be confused with passivity. And you are disentangled from those karmic messes...'Things I Wish I Never Manifested and why the Divine Runs My Fricken' Life Now' "
Ouch! Was I one of those delusional New Age people who was lost in my dreams, confused and passive? Who do I think I am trying to make a difference? A difference to who and why, and weren't there more than enough spiritual teachers out there spouting more than enough spiritual stuff?
But, her simple prayer reached out and touched my heart. It echoed a phrase that I often start my day with: "Into your hands, I commend my spirit." Now before anyone gets offended, I am not comparing myself to Christ, and I am absolutely NOT voicing some kind of death wish or escapist idea. What I mean, very simply is this: "Thy will be done," giving myself totally into the care and keeping of the Divine to guide and direct my steps: desiring only to be of service and hopefully a blessing to someone during each day. So, I got quiet, took a moment to breathe, and let the words of Tosha's prayer sink into my heart.
A little bit later, I saw an email that my sister had sent me a few days before. She had written with ideas to try and get my business up and rolling, and while they were wonderful and insightful, all I could see in front of me was the pile of unpaid bills and the prospect of my husband being laid off in the next few months. I sent her a response noting that, while the suggestions were great, I wasn't sure that I had it in me after all, that maybe I should just throw in the towel and get what many of my friends refer to as "a real job." Truth be told, I was feeling just a little bit sorry for myself, but I think every one of us spiritual pilgrims sometimes feel the weight of the world on our shoulders . We maybe absorb the emotions and upheaval happening around us and mistake it for the "real" us.
I awoke from my reverie with a start, suddenly remembering that my daughter had texted to say that she was leaving work, would be at the metro soon, and needed a ride. After a quick look at my phone, I realized that the time had slipped away and I should have been at the train station right then. I ran to the car and headed quickly down the driveway. Just before pulling out onto our street, I remembered to get the mail, slowed the car, rolled the window down, grabbed the untidy pile of papers out of the box, and plunked them onto the passenger seat.
Thankfully, traffic wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated, and I arrived just as her train was pulling in. As she got into the car, she sighed and scooped up the unruly mess to make room to sit down. A single envelope slid from between the pages and fell into my lap: an advertising letter from some mission asking for a donation, but what held my rapt gaze was the quote on the front: "Blessed is She Who Trusted...Who Believed" Luke 1:26.
The sentence went straight through my heart like a silver arrow, putting to death the phantom of dark thoughts. I can think of no example of the Divine speaking more clearly or decisively than that. A kind of peace suffused my soul, and I let my breath go in one long exhale. Another quote popped into my head from Mike Dooley’s perpetual calendar, "Don't let the dazzling heights you aspire to scare you from getting started. After all, few could climb Mt. Everest tomorrow, though virtually all could begin preparing."
My To Do list for tomorrow starts something like this:
3) Two times around the block and Chapter 1 of Peter Matthiesen's The Snow Leopard....
Bright Blessings of Love and Light
Hopes Restored, Spirits Lifted
Shauna ♥ Nouhra
Angel Therapy Practitioner
Cert by Doreen Virtue PhD
Kona, Hawaii 2008